During the past 7 months I have gone through a growing phase in my life. I have found that some people I have been friends with turn out to be true friends, caring and finding time to ask how I was. Then I could almost say in the same sentence that some I have found to be the opposite. I have betrayed people to win the trust of others, I am not proud of that, yet all seems lost in the end. As I have found that the true nature of someone can never be fully understood. The lack of communication, the advantage of playing with someone's feelings, sometimes finding oneself lost in the extremities of another's emotions displayed at random. I find this truly disturbing, as I do not feel I know myself at all. The world and society presents you with a picture of idealism. Yet the mere thought of it leads to existentialism.
At first I set out to go and find myself, to free my mind and soul of the ideals of this world. Then I found that I merely moved towards a different interpretation of my vanity inflicted soul. Everyday has become a process of dilapidation, one thing after the other slowly breaking down the wall of thought that I wound myself into the past few years.
So I have come to find myself enraged with the feeling of confusion, not knowing where to find myself in this world. I feel like dying, yet it always happens on another day.