Thursday, June 19

Innocent as a Child

I wish I could go back to the innocent child I once was. This world has consumed me in so many ways, causing me to do things I regret.

I use to go to school, and every afternoon when going home I walked down my street, lined with trees and the air filled with the excitement of freedom. The fact that I could go and do whatever my heart wishes for was all the excitement I needed. When reaching home on a summers day afternoon I would day dream to hearts content. Staring at the clouds, listening to the hustle of the birds in the back garden. I would play with the dog, chasing it, it chasing me and discovering a whole new realm of freedom every day. Lying on my back, out of breath and staring at the clouds as they turn to pastel shades of pink. The night would come softly and relieving the days heat bringing with it the creatures of the night. Moths, bats, crickets and night flies. All glorifying the wonder of life. Even during winter I would find myself starring out the window, wondering where it all goes. Yet when spring comes and I watch the bulbous plants shooting out of the ground ready to flower, an excitement fills me. It makes me wonder what the year to come will hold in. And somewhat makes me hesitate for a moment, but then I get consumed in the awe off the time and find myself looking at the autumn leaves again.

Lately I have been missing that feeling. My life has become somewhat less structured and tends to lose itself all the time. I have seen beautiful things and found myself in life changing situations. Moving me so that I can feel my heart beating heavier than normal by the mere thought of it. And my eyes seem to become hazy and filled with questions. Losing people you loved, and finding them to be missing from your life. Silence and patience, all of these moments I could never replace. On and on my heart wonders. Wishing it could go home. Yet I do not have no home here. I might feel surrounded by beauty and tell myself that there is comfort in the vanity of life. Yet every time I make mistakes that compromise the mere being of myself in such a way that I drive myself to madness. But the only comfort I find is in the sanctuary of my beliefs.

So I came to realize today that each one of us are different. If I could describe it I would put it this way. We are all going about doing our own thing, yet we need the people around us. They act as a platform on witch each one of us build. Some might come to stand in our way, others might not even care. And then there are people whom we become friends with, and others enemies. These people are the black and white in life, but then there is the gray patch. Somehow I find that this gray patch drives me to either white, or black. Yet no one is ever white nor black. We are all different shades of gray. As we go through stages in our lives we tend to vary in intensity and saturation. Sometimes becoming to involved in certain matters, causing us to burn our fingers and regret. Then sometimes we just don’t get involved, and find ourselves losing the joy of being alive. Imagine living every day the same. Doing the same things, seeing the same people, having the same conversations. And on, and on I can go. Yes, sometimes it does feel that way. I have felt that way, yet I would like to add that it is only thanks to our own vanity and indulgencies. A good friend gave me advice and said always think more of others than oneself. Then think of yourself. So, I could add it is not always easy putting others first. Maybe it is something we should all try. Not to abandon oneself, but to think of others and find your place in this world. Moving and advancing to further improve yourself in this way. Thus we could all live in harmony.

So I could say, I wish I could go back to the innocent child I once was. This world has consumed me in so many ways, causing me to do things I regret. Yet, during this process I have grown to become a stronger person, although weakened by the cruel ways of mankind. I find myself being able to withstand its tremors and not fear the storms. Believing in what I know to be true and just. Finding a way where there seems to be none. I can only look forward to find that I can overcome the impossibilities so many a day presents itself with to me.

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